Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Not a Jerk

There's been a lot of speculation out there that I might be a jerk, so I just wanted to clear my name.

10. I enjoy working with and being around children. I once came up with an invention that calmed kids suffering from attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder called Tranq-kid-lizers, that operated similarly to blow darts.

9. I love animals. When I was much younger, I teased my pet dog by dangling a Twizzler in my mouth. As he quickly snatched it from me, he took a piece of my lip with him. I didn't hold it against him.

8. I care about world hunger. When I sit down to eat, no matter how much is on my plate, I make sure I finish every last bite because I know there are starving people in Africa. Sometimes, I almost puke. But I don't...'cause, well, there are starving people.

7. I give great advice. A friend of mine was thinking about killing himself and I told him, "you shouldn't do that." Luckily, that's all it took and he's still with us to this day!

6. I give blood. I asked the nurse if there was any way they could specially store my blood so I would be the only one to use it in case I was in some horrible accident. She didn't honor me with an answer, but I still gave blood anyway.

5. I do volunteer work. An acquaintance asked me if I wanted to volunteer for an event that his organization was holding. I told him that since he was asking me, I wasn't technically volunteering to do it. He disagreed. After about 5 minutes of very intense debate, I conceded.

4. I respect the elderly. Whenever an old person is driving really slow in front of me, I don't honk. I might curse, tailgate, or illegally pass them as I flip them the bird, then cut them off, but I don't honk. That would be very jerk-ish.

3. I'm an environmentalist. The first thing I did when I moved in here was update my bathroom to make it "green." It was previously a boring white color and I can't deal with that in the morning. Plus, the green makes me think about the environment and the things I possibly could be doing to help contribute to help save our planet.

2. I'm sensitive. I cried a lot during this year's Olympics. One of the young Chinese gymnasts wobbled on the balance beam and fell off, thus ruining her chance at obtaining any sort of medal and shattering a dream she's been chasing for 4 years. When she did that little dance trying to maintain her balance, I laughed so hard, I cried. it was hysterical!

1. I never brag about all the reasons why I'm not a jerk.